To be born in a lotus

I dont know why but I feel morbid nowadays, thinking of death and dying. To say that I am not afraid of death would be bluffing. But I am not sad to get out of this world. In fact I am feeling tired and depressed with this world. So much suffering in this world. I dont want to be reincarnated into this world again.
I have never had an easy life. I have always to look after myself. I take care of others. But no one really think of my feelings. I dont think anyone knows what I really want-what I like, what I want to do, what I like to eat even. No one remembers my anniversary or how many years I have been married. I dont blame it on any one. I blame on myself. My past bad karma. I owe too many people debts that I have to repay in this life.

To be born in a lotus

That is why I want to get out of this saha world as fast as possible. I am like a candle.........burning myself out. I am waiting for my candle to extinguish........then I am out of this world. So nice, so happy. Of course, I have a backup plan. I want to be born in a lotus...........in Pureland. The place is so beautiful  and the wonderful thing is there is no suffering in Pureland. So I am putting my whole heart into following the way to board the boat to get there. One must have a ticket to get there.....and the ticket is not for sale. It comes only from practice ........as written in The Taming of the Monkey Mind. Reading and trying my hardest to follow. I must get there in this lifetime.